Punjabi Confidence

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army"

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"

Bush paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

"Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Bush asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."

Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"

Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

"Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!"

NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE !!!

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

'Test of Three?'

'That's correct,' Socrates continued.'
Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary...'

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.


This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato (his student) was banging his wife!!!

Top Ten Ways to Be Green

Courtesy of Lime.com

Tip #1: Unplug
Taking a few minutes to turn off electrical devices won't just help you save the planet, it can also help you save a few bucks off your electric bill each month. At home, go ahead and turn off the lights when leaving a room (chances are the walls and floor won't mind the dark)!

Take an extra few seconds to shut down your computer and printer instead of letting them idle, and-annoying as it sounds-make morning a routine of unplugging TVs, fans and stereos before leaving for work. Like any routine, you'll get used to doing it in no time flat.

When you're looking to buy new major appliances, go for energy efficient models with fewer frills-that icemaker requires more power than you think! Check out Energy Star and Greener Choices for efficiency ratings for new purchases.

If you already own an appliance, remember to clean AC filters, insulate water heaters, and do other simple maintenance to maximize energy savings. Simply put, less energy = less pollution.


Tip #2: Use Less Water
Did you know that in the average home, the water heater is second only to the heating system in energy usage? Here's how to use less.

Go ahead and turn the water heater down to 120°. Wash full loads of laundry in cool water. If you've just got to use hot, rinse in cold. In the bathroom, skip the water-wasting steam bath and opt for the quick shower. Install low flow showerheads and faucet aerators, and turn the water off when you're shaving or brushing.

Have to let it run to heat up? Catch it and water the plants later. In the kitchen, remember that you don't need to scald every plate and pot to get them clean, and don't forget to turn the water off when you're scrubbing!

Thinking about the long haul? Try setting up a solar powered water heating system.


Tip #3: Switch to Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs
Don't even try to front: You've been avoiding fluorescent bulbs because you fear flashbacks to the industrial pallor and buzzing tubes of your grade school. But fluorescent bulbs have come a long way, baby.

Watch for ones with higher lumens (not watts) for brighter light; read carefully for a color rendering index (CRI) over 80, or cues like "warmer light," to get closer to incandescence while saving $30 in energy costs over the life of each bulb.

Not to mention the benefit to the planet: EnergyStar has dozens of similes to tell you how much less pollution you generate by simply replacing your feverish incandescent bulbs with chill fluorescent ones, but they all add up to a huge benefit for the earth.


Tip #4: Choose Products With Less Packaging
Think of the layers of armor that separate you from a new consumer good. The precious cargo is placed inside a pouch inside a plastic exoskeleton inside a paper sleeve, then bagged for easy transport. Sounds cute for Russian dolls. But for a stick of gum or a fresh razor blade, it's infuriating, time-consuming, and a waste of resources.

With so many similar products crowding store aisles, try choosing one that sports less packaging. (You'll find that companies that give careful thought to packaging waste are probably considerate of, say, pesticide-free agriculture or humane working conditions, too.)

Don't have time to comparison-shop? Simply buying product refills can assuage your conscience, and save a few cents. Bring your canvas tote to the grocery store to get everything home.

Think similarly for restaurants: that pile of plates, napkins, plastic utensils and condiments could easily be spared by making your takeout eat-in.


Tip #5: Buy Organic and Local Foods
Did you know that the blueberries you ate on your breakfast cereal might have traveled as many as 1500 miles to get to your bowl? Buying locally grown produce, whether it's from a greenmarket, a farm stand, or a conscientious supermarket, can conserve fuel, reduce pollution, and support your local economy ... not to mention, produce grown nearby doesn't require preservatives and waxing to keep it fresh.

Likewise, spending the extra money on organic produce will not only keep you from potentially ingesting toxic pesticides, but it's good for the environment. Support organic farmers, and you'll be helping to protect water from pollutants, cut down on soil erosion, and conserve the energy and expense it takes to produce synthetic fertilizers and pesticides. Plus, there's no doubt about it-organic and locally grown produce just tastes better.


Tip #6: Drive Less
A daily car commute of 20 miles round trip can add up to more than $2,000 per year, parking not included. If you work in an office, ask the HR department about any carpooling hookups and free or deeply discounted bus, train or subway passes; check your city's website for relevant routes. (Use the commute to read up on peak oil theory.)

Better yet, buy a basket and some decent rain fenders for your bike and ride to the office -- and to the post office, your dentist appointment, the grocery store. Sure, you can't fit as much on a bike as in a car, but shopping more often means fresher produce, thus tastier meals -- which you'll need after burning all those calories.

Replacing even one or two car trips a week will trim your fuel bill (and probably your waistline), but driving smarter can also help. Combine multiple errands into one trip, frequent nearby shops, and try to group your family's appointments together. Think about the most efficient route before heading out, and try to avoid busier traffic times.


Tip #7: Plant a Tree
No gardening project offers quite such instant gratification as planting your own tree. You get exercise, immediate visual stimulation, and some serious self-satisfaction. Your tree will convert nasty pollutants to pure oxygen and offer a welcome to wildlife -- and tree roots can help stay erosion. Trees absorb carbon dioxide, helping to reduce global warming.

Depending on what kind of tree you choose, and where you plant it, the shade can gradually help to cool your home as well as offer a perfect spot for contemplation, meditation or recreation. Trees are charming planted for a child as a living growth chart, or in memory of a loved one.

You can also donate money to have trees planted all over the world, at brownspaces or devastated places where they are most needed.


Tip #8: Recycle More
Savvy shopping and a little creativity can keep your trash pile from mounting. Judge products by their recycled packaging, such as bottles, cans, paper wrappings, and cereal boxes. Choose stationery and other supplies made from recyclable materials that are better the second time around.

Take your used car batteries, antifreeze, and motor oil back to participating mechanics. Return plastic bags to the grocery store. Give old cell phones and cars to your favorite charity. Compost your leftovers and keep your lawn well fed by letting grass-mown clippings lie.

Think outside that empty cardboard box: It's a fairytale fort for a five-year-old. Finally, hang an old flat tire to a tree and make a swing for green-minded folks of all ages.


Tip #9: Switch to "Green" Power via Your Local Utility Company
In many states, you can opt to purchase renewable energy from your local power company, and then rest easy knowing you just sent that email from your wind- or methane-powered computer.

To find out if your local utility has a green power source, check the Green Power Network's U.S. map. Austin Energy generated the most green power last year, followed by Portland General Electric. Xcel Energy (in Colorado and elsewhere) had the highest number of customers who purchased renewable energy (more than 49,354).

Help nudge your local utility toward a deeper shade of green by opting into their renewable energy program.


Tip #10: Spread the Word
Want to shake some sense into people? Use the web as your own personal bullhorn to make the world a greener place. Inform your inner circle about good causes or upcoming legislation via e-mail.

You can also direct friends to Live the Change to familiarize themselves with personal impact calculators, simple tips, activism options, and blogs of others in the community who are trying to make the planet a little greener.

If you have a blog or website, start posting information about the issues that matter to you. Awareness is the key to a sustainable planet, and the web gives you a powerful way to be part of the solution.

Air Car Ready for Mass Production

By Bob Ewing

The world's first commercial compressed air-powered vehicle is rolling towards the production line. The Air Car, developed by ex-Formula One engineer Guy Nègre, will be built by India's largest automaker, Tata Motors.

The Air Car uses compressed air to push its engine's pistons. It is anticipated that approximately 6000 Air Cars will be cruising the streets of India by 2008. If the manufacturers have no surprises up their exhaust pipes the car will be practical and reasonably priced. The CityCat model will clock out at 68 mph with a driving range of 125 miles.

Refueling is simple and will only take a few minutes. That is, if you live nearby a gas station with custom air compressor units. The cost of a fill up is approximately $2.00. If a driver doesn't have access to a compressor station, they will be able to plug into the electrical grid and use the car's built-in compressor to refill the tank in about 4 hours.

The compressed air technology is basically just a way of storing electrical energy without the need for costly, heavy, and occasionally toxic batteries. So, in a sense, this is an electric car. It just doesn't have an electric motor.

But don't let anyone tell you this is an "emissions free" vehicle. Sure, the only thing coming out of the tailpipe is air. But, chances are, fossil fuels were burned to create the electricity. In India, that mostly means coal. But the carbon emissions per mile of these things still far outdoes any gasoline car on the market.

Unfortunately, the streets of North America may never see the Air Car, though; it's light-weight, glued-together fiberglass construction might not do so well in our crash tests. However, that does not mean the Air car is confined to the sub-continent. Nègre has signed deals to bring its design to 12 more countries, including Germany, Israel and South Africa.

And this isn't the last we'll hear of the technology. The folks making the Air Car are already working on a hybrid version that would use an on-board, gasoline-powered compressor to refill the air tanks when they run low. Negre says that technology could easily squeeze a cross country trip out of one tank of gasoline.

A variety of videos (of varying quality) on this technology can be found on YouTube, or after the jump.

Via: Popular Mechanics

Unable to perform

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the rhino sword will not rise again for another whole year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly
he has this huge stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for ?"

Best Out of Office Auto Replies

1.I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2.You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3.I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4.Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged ?5.99 for the first ten words and ?1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5.The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6.Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

7.I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons...when I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.